The Tribulations/Revelations Scenario

Nearly every organized religion depicts a time of tribulation that precedes the arrival of a messiah who brings an end to suffering and evil. This is perhaps best known as The Second Coming. Those who have held fast to these belief systems will find themselves swept up into a beatific afterlife, while the rest who remain...? well, call us chopped liver.

While here at the Institute for PostApocology we are chiefly concerned with what happens AFTER this messiah arrives, it is nevertheless fascinating to consider the various build-ups to the Cataclysm -- people like a good build-up after all, especially when it's the biggest build up to the biggest climax in human history. Old and ancient texts foretell the end time (the Tanakh, the Talmud, the Holy Bible, the Quran, the Puranas, etc.), and it's endless and juicy great sport to compare these descriptions to current counterparts.

Here in the Midwest, where we were raised, the Book of Revelation in the Holy Bible is the go-to text. It gave us shivers as kids with its depictions of apocalyptic craziness -- in fact it was the canonical work that first placed the word "apocalypse" on our tender, jejune lips. We've never been the same, besieged by nightmares of locusts and horses with heads like lions and the sun going "black as sackcloth."

This black as sackcloth remark reminds us of the Zorastrians who predicted that "a dark cloud" would make the "whole sky night," not to mention the raining of "noxious creatures."

Sunni Islam believes that dark cloud sackcloth of a sun will disappear for three days before rising -- in the west.

No wonder we like horror movies so much.

Describing what the aftermath of the apocalypse (will) look like(s) is as difficult as it is varied.

For some religions, such as Hinduism and Buddhism, end times come and end times go. Once a "final" cataclysm is reached, the whole thing starts over again.

For the Mayans, they have a pretty darn precise idea of When This All Ends: 12/21/2012, or see other 2012 predictions.

The Lakota are waiting for the White Buffalo Calf Woman -- which means that every time a white bison is born it's front page news.

Swedish scientist, philosopher and Christian mystic Emanuel Swedenborg believed that The Last Judgment began and ended in the year 1757. Yeats and Blake, among many others, were influenced by Swedenborg who strikes us as a very Philip K. Dick-ian sort of dude.

We wouldn't be worth our salt if we didn't highlight the continuing conflicts in the Middle East, considered by many religions to be the very seat of the soul of the trouble. One main sign of the end time will be the ganging up by the nations of the world against Jerusalem. (Zech. 14:2)

In Christian eschatology, The Day of Judgment occurs after the resurrection of the dead and the Second Coming. On that Day, Jesus Christ will judge every human who ever existed.

Speaking of eschatology, it's from the Greek, meaning "last" and "the study of." We have always found it a fine connection that an almost exact word, scatology, is the study of feces -- meaning, to us, that it's the study of the "last" of what comes out of us.

Coincidence? We think not.



Tribulations/Revelations News Items

from AP, 01/02/08
Snake saved after eating golf balls
"BRISBANE, Australia - A snake has been saved by surgery after mistaking four golf balls for a meal of chicken eggs, a veterinarian said Wednesday. A couple had placed the balls in their chicken coop at Nobbys Creek in New South Wales state to encourage their hen to nest, Australian Associated Press reported."
The ApocoDocs say:
And the Serpent shall be absolved of its obstruction and Satan shall laugh in exaltation.

from AFP, 01/04/08
It's raining iguanas after Florida cold snap
"An unexpected cold snap this week sent thermometers plummeting in Florida and heat-hungry iguanas dropping from tree branches like autumn leaves, scientists and witnesses said."
The ApocoDocs say:
When scientists AND witnesses are seeing the same surreal scene you know the Endtimes are just around the corner.

from Internet, 01/09/08
George W. Bush considered as the Antichrist
"One of the mysteries of Revelation has been the identity and connection of a second beast who rescues the antichrist and serves as his prophet. Rev 13:12 "He exercised all the authority of the first beast on his behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast." Carl [sic] Rove became Bush's alter ego when he rescued Bush from political death after his defeat in a Congressional race, and since 1993 he has served as the brains and the cleverness of the antichrist."
The ApocoDocs say:
Alternative explanations have Cheney as the second beast. We at the Institute are agnostic about it.

from United Press International, 01/11/08
Bush ends Israel visit on religious note
"U.S. President George Bush ended his peace-making trip to Israel Friday with a visit to a Holocaust memorial and an aerial tour of Christian sites in Galilee. Flanked by Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and President Shimon Peres, Bush wore a yarmulke and lit a memorial flame, placed a wreath and spoke briefly at the Yad Vashem memorial in Jerusalem, Voice of America reported. "I was most impressed that people in the face of horror and evil would not forsake their God, and in the face of unspeakable crimes against humanity, brave souls -- young and old -- stood strong for what they believe," Bush said."
The ApocoDocs say:
What, me worry about the Apocalypse?
Ya gotta figure Bush looks eggsACTly like Alfred E. Neuman in that yarmulke!

from News Blaze (.com), 01/12/08
Photon Energy to Peak in 2012
"Scientists call it the "Dark Energy" because they have absolutely no clue as to what it is. Margaret said her friends in the world of spirit have told her it is called "Photon Energy," a band of energy traveling the Universe that is speeding everything up. Margaret also says the Photon Energy is causing many problems in the world today. It is compressing time, pressuring people, causing road rage, and bringing a lot of anger out. Metaphysically, it is designed to do just that - to bring out of humanity all the trapped energy that the majority on the Earth plane have, not only from this lifetime, but - as Margaret says - from previous lives."
The ApocoDocs say:
That might also explain why my cell phone reception is so crappy.
Blast those photons!
Or... is it those past lives wanting in on the conversation?

from Arab Times (Kuwait), 01/13/08
“Islamic Jesus” hits Iranian movie screens
"Nader Talebzadeh sees his movie, 'Jesus, the Spirit of God,' as an Islamic answer to Western productions like Mel Gibson's 2004 blockbuster 'The Passion of the Christ,' which he praised as admirable but quite simply 'wrong'. 'Gibson's film is a very good film. I mean that it is a well-crafted movie but the story is wrong -- it was not like that,' he said, referring to two key differences: Islam sees Jesus as a prophet, not the son of God, and does not believe he was crucified. Talebzadeh said he even went to Gibson's mansion in Malibu, California, to show him his film. 'But it was Sunday and the security at the gate received the film and the brochure and promised to deliver it,' though the Iranian never heard back."
The ApocoDocs say:
Does that mean that we get double the Apocalypse, or half?

from Genes and Development, 01/16/08
Molecular Evolution: Mice Given Bat-like Forelimbs Through Gene Switch
"A research team led by Dr. Richard Behringer at MD Anderson Cancer Center reports that they have successfully switched the mouse Prx1 gene regulatory element with the Prx1 gene regulatory region from a bat -- and although these two species are separated by millions of years of evolution -- the resulting transgenic mice displayed abnormally long forelimbs."
The ApocoDocs say:
We PostApocaDocs don't much like it when scientists play God, but when they play Satan, it just gets our Goat of Mendes!

from Pak Tribune, 01/25/08
US scientists close to creating artificial life: study
"WASHINGTON (AFP) - US scientists have taken a major step toward creating the first ever artificial life form by synthetically reproducing the DNA of a bacteria, according to a study published Thursday. The move, which comes after five years of research, is seen as the penultimate stage in the endeavour to create an artificial life form based entirely on a man-made DNA genome -- something which has tantalised scientists and sci-fi writers for years. The research has been carried out at the laboratories of the controversial celebrity US scientist Craig Venter, who has hailed artificial life forms as a potential remedy to illness and global warming."
The ApocoDocs say:
A "celebrity US scientist": Can anybody spell a-n-t-i-c-h-r-i-s-t?

from First Post (UK), 02/25/08
Pat Robertson's take on heaven, and the election
Then he added: "I talked to one guy who went to heaven and he saw all these wonderful fields and flowers. I have a feeling that Heaven will be whatever it is you are looking for." ... For Robertson's third ingredient for Armageddon was an anti-Christ in the White House, and, he revealed, that devilish president would be a Democrat.
The ApocoDocs say:
With all those flowers in Heaven,
it looks like we now know where
the vanishing bees are going.

from Reuters Africa, 03/10/08
Vatican lists "new sins," including pollution
"VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of "new" sins such as causing environmental blight. The guidance came at the weekend when Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number two man in the sometimes murky area of sins and penance, spoke of modern evils. Asked what he believed were today's "new sins," he told the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano that the greatest danger zone for the modern soul was the largely uncharted world of bioethics."
The ApocoDocs say:
Progressimo! Now if we could just get the Vatican to think through how overpopulation is fueling a lot of our environmental problems, then we'd really be getting somewhere.

References
AP, 01/02/08
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080102/ap_on_fe_st/odd_australia_duped_snake;_ylt=AhOKnAq490KfnbkWzVeBh1lI2ocA

AFP, 01/04/08
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080104/od_afp/usanimalsweatheroffbeat_080104215101

Internet, 01/09/08
http://www.bushisantichrist.com/

United Press International, 01/11/08
http://www.newsdaily.com/TopNews/UPI-1-20080111-08000100-bc-mideast-bush.xml

News Blaze (.com), 01/12/08
http://newsblaze.com/story/20080111180753tsop.nb/newsblaze/TOPSTORY/Top-Stories.html

Arab Times (Kuwait), 01/13/08
http://www.arabtimesonline.com/client/pagesdetails.asp?nid=10722&ccid=18

Genes and Development, 01/16/08
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080114173923.htm

Pak Tribune, 01/25/08
http://www.paktribune.com/news/index.shtml?196522

First Post (UK), 02/25/08
http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/people,710,revealed-pat-robertsons-vision-of-heaven,18502

Reuters Africa, 03/10/08
http://africa.reuters.com/odd/news/usnL1096023.html